The FITSter Returns! 1/04/2004


Finding his liquor cabinet a bit low on moonshine, your airborn alliterator took off for Kentucky on Saturday to watch the matchup between college basketball's all-time winningest and all-time whiningest teams.

The former, the Kentucky Wildcats, were defending their homecourt, while the latter, the chronically dyspeptic Baby Blues, brought their special brand of togetherness to the nationally televised tiff.

And when it was all said and done the boys from Chapel Hill had another loss, and one of their lads was sporting a new name.

Disgusted at the lackluster, indifferent and selfish play of his leading scorer Rashad "Ra-Ra" McCants, myopic mentor Ol' Roy Williams benched the sardonic sophomore and then informed him at halftime that henceforth he would be listed on the UNC roster as Rashad McWon't.

"Maybe I'm just a dumb ol' country feller," mumbled Captain Cornpone before a befuddled press corps, "but it's not like Ra-Ra can't guard his man, can't hustle, and can't protect the ball. It's just that he won't. So until he does, he's got hisself a new name, and that's the way it's going to be around here, dadgummit."

The Grim Weeper also managed to find fault with the rest of his starters after the team's 1-3-1 Trapping Sieve Defense propelled the hometown Wildcats into a second half lead. Future hall of famers Jawad "greatest team ever" Williams and Raygod Felton interrupted their respective marches to the NBA by taking prolonged respites on the Tarheel bench while the Bull Goober paced the sidelines like a guy in urgent need of a restroom.

After the unfortunate loss, The Hoopster Formerly Known as McCants expressed surprise at his benching and name change, despite having more turnovers than points, while Ol' Roy, ever the Honcho of Hypocrisy, said he wasn't making any excuses about the loss, whereupon he made the excuse that Williams and May hadn't practiced much this past week.